Tuesday, 12 February 2013

It was never meant to be like this...



Sucks right? It gets worse. V is due to come home around midday. His dad rings my doorbell. Little man does not want to get out of the car. He says he doesn't want to see me.  He wants to go home with his daddy. I point out that most mornings I have to bribe this kid to get out of bed. Last week when I suggested we go to softplay he cried. Everytime we get on the train to his dad's house he insists on sitting in my lap, never wants to see his dad, refuses to get off the train. He is three. Every other week his routine is changed. He has two homelifes that are very different. He misses his dad. He misses his mum. He misses his old family. I know that feeling. I feel your pain son. I get this daily, I know how to deal with it. The ex doesn't and instead suggests that they go to the arcade near my house for a while. Give a three year old the option to 'go home with mummy or go shooting with daddy'. Sure. Ex gives me a triumphant smile. I don't know that it is warranted. I bite my lip. I close the front door. The doorbell rings. Now ex and new girlfriend are both standing on my doorstep. Insisting I come to the arcade with them. No. Straight up. Insisting. Seriously, guys, this is weird. I have met this woman a grand total of once. My kid was sleeping over at her house before I even knew she existed. My kid who at that point had never spent a night away from my bed. As much as things were bad between the ex and I, she was still the catalyst that broke up my family. I get in the car. Stupidly. This unhappy foursome drive to the arcade. They have in-jokes. I bite my lip to stop our old in-jokes spilling out. We play air hockey. Me and the ex. I don't want to remind him of all the times we played this in Dutch sports bars at 3am. I don't want to remind him that I know to let him win. That time he once broke my finger when our competitiveness got the better of us playing pool. They cram into a shoot em up booth. My kid, his father and the new girlfriend. They insist I get in. Why am I making things awkward? She squeals at the zombies, drops her gun, hides her face in the lapels of his coat. I was with him when he bought that coat. I save her life. Twice. The ex decides he needs to leave. Vin does not want to. If they weren't here I would have picked him up, explained that we were leaving, headed home. Ex doesn't understand this. He suggests V and I stay while him and her slip out. I can't get home. She gives me money for a cab. I want to throw up. She opens up her designer purse, with a photobooth pic of the two of them. She gives me a handful of change for a cab. Could I feel any lower. They leave. I am standing in the middle of the Amusement Arcade with my hyped up kid. I look down to realise he is not wearing a coat. I held it in till we got home. Then I collapsed in a heap in the middle of the kitchen floor. Dry-heaving with sadness. Frustration. Humiliation. I wonder how it happened, that this one person who I used to love so passionately deeply excessively can leave me wracked with grief. Every single time. Fuck fuck fuck. Panting in between sobs. This was never meant to happen. My kid should never have to see me cry. 

6 comments:

  1. Oh wow that is a crappy. Crappy that you had to endure your ex with the new girl friend, crappy that he doesn't understand how to handle his three year old saying no, crappy that he doesn't need to learn because he can dump the issue back on you, and super crappy that it all must hurt so much. Big big supportive hugs.

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  2. Sorry Momma :-( no great words of wisdom for you...just wanted to encourage you to hang in there...it's ok for your kid to see you cry...let him see you stand up dust yourself off...let him see it's ok to be weak but that you have strength inside you as well. And you do!! This situation sucks!...but you can get through this!! You have to, you are a mom who fiercely loves your child...YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!!!

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  3. Dearest Charlotte - what a raw and emotional post, and so different to your usual sense of humour and cheerfulness - understandably so! I am so sorry you had to put up with such insensitive behaviour. I think you really dealt with it with dignity - and that's what your little one will remember when he grows up. xxx

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  4. I don't know where to start. I am a smug married and I wish I could take all your grief away and make things better!!!! I just want to hug you!!!

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  5. oh sweets.... thank you for being brave enough to share this. i hope that it gave you some release. thinking of you...

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