If January marks the month of failed resolutions, (apparently) no updates from me, and celebrating my birthday, then February is known entirely as the month that single people dread, restaurants double their prices and cynics like me bust their load on jaded Twitter updates.
I don't actually have a problem with Valentines Day. I love love and romance and nice things like flowers and chocolates and days devoted to those kind of things should come around more often. What I don't like is how Valentines excludes all those people who don't have a 'proper' Valentine. The single people, the ones in casual relationships, we've only been seeing each other for two months and we're not even calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend in public yet relationships, poly-amorous, same sex relationships, fuck buddies, flirtationships, internet soulmates, Craigslist encounters, begrudgingly in the friendzone 21st century kind of relationships.
It's not just Valentines I've encountered this problem with. As a kid I would often lament the lack of Father's Day cards appropriate to my familial situation ("To my sperm donor", "I feel obliged to get you a card cos you're married to my mom", "To my ex-step-dad", "look, we'll all feel weird if I call you dad so happy third Sunday of June"). This year, for example, I'm wondering if there is an appropriate card for our current family situation ("Happy Father's Day to a wonderful Child Support Payment"?)
Instead I am offering my services to you Mr Hallmark, I have a degree in Creative Writing, an in-depth knowledge of how fucked up love can be in the 21st century and I'm actually kind of funny when I
have been drinking put my mind to it.
p.s. in case you're wondering, yes, the first photo is actually a photo from my diary. Yes I am going for a smear test on Valentines Day. Insert joke about the only way I could guarantee any action here.